Why You’re So Anxious in Relationships (And Why It’s Not Because You’re “Too Sensitive”)
If you notice that your anxiety shows up most in relationships, you’re not imagining things.
You can be competent at work, generally capable in daily life, and still feel completely thrown off by a short text, a weird tone, or the sense that someone might be disappointed in you. You might replay conversations long after they’re over or lie awake wondering if you said the wrong thing, asked for too much, or didn’t show up well enough.
And at some point, you probably started telling yourself a story about it.
I’m too sensitive.
I overthink everything.
I care more than other people do.
But here’s the thing I want to say clearly:
Relationship anxiety is not a personality flaw.
For many women, it’s a nervous system response that developed for good reasons and stuck around longer than it needed to.
What Relationship Anxiety Actually Looks Like
Relationship anxiety doesn’t always look dramatic. Often, it’s quiet and constant.
It can look like:
Replaying conversations in your head
Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
Monitoring how much space you’re taking up
Worrying you said too much or not enough
Feeling resentful, then guilty for feeling resentful
It often shows up most with people you care about. Partners. Parents. In-laws. Bosses. Close friends. Even your own kids.
That’s usually the clue.
If anxiety were just about stress or poor coping skills, it would show up evenly across your life. But when it spikes in relationships, especially important ones, there’s usually something deeper going on.
Why Relationships Trigger Anxiety So Strongly
Your nervous system is wired for connection. Before logic gets involved, your body is constantly scanning for cues about whether relationships feel safe.
If, at any point earlier in life, connection felt unpredictable or emotionally risky, your system may have learned to stay alert in relationships. Not because you were dramatic, but because it worked.
This doesn’t mean you had a terrible childhood. Often, it looks much subtler than that.
It can look like growing up needing to:
Be aware of other people’s moods
Stay easy, agreeable, or low-maintenance
Avoid conflict to keep things calm
Take responsibility for emotional harmony
When this happens, anxiety becomes a way of staying connected. Paying attention. Adjusting quickly. Trying to prevent problems before they happen.
That pattern can follow you into adulthood, even when the relationships themselves are very different.
When Anxiety Feels Like Caring
One of the reasons relationship anxiety is so hard to spot is because it often looks like being a good person.
You’re thoughtful. You care. You try to show up well. You don’t want to hurt anyone.
From the outside, it can look like empathy or responsibility. And sometimes, it is.
But when anxiety is driving the bus, caring comes with a cost.
You may notice that:
You don’t fully relax around people
You’re always adjusting yourself
You feel emotionally “on” all the time
You’re tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix
At some point, the effort starts to outweigh the joy. And that’s usually when resentment shows up, followed quickly by guilt for even feeling it.
Why “Just Set Better Boundaries” Isn’t That Helpful
If you struggle with relationship anxiety, you’ve probably been told some version of:
Just say no
Stop worrying so much
Don’t take things personally
Set stronger boundaries
And while those ideas sound good in theory, they often fall flat in real life.
That’s because for many women, anxiety isn’t about not knowing what to do. It’s about what happens inside when you try to do it.
If your nervous system learned that connection equals safety, then being more direct, saying no, or letting someone be disappointed can feel deeply uncomfortable. Sometimes it can even feel dangerous.
This is why boundary advice alone can actually make anxiety worse.
The Role of Internal Boundaries
This is where internal boundaries come in.
Internal boundaries are not about being colder or less caring. They’re about learning how to stay connected to yourself while you’re in relationship with others.
They help you:
Pause before reacting
Notice feelings without immediately acting on them
Let someone else have a reaction without taking it on
Separate what you feel from what you do
When internal boundaries are weak or missing, anxiety often fills the space. You end up over-monitoring, over-explaining, or over-functioning because there’s nothing inside helping you hold the moment.
When internal boundaries strengthen, something shifts. You don’t stop caring. You just stop carrying everything.
How Anxiety Therapy Can Help With Relationship Anxiety
As an anxiety therapist working with women in California, I see this pattern often.
Many of the clients I work with don’t identify as “anxious” in the traditional sense. They’re functional. Responsible. Capable. But they’re exhausted from constantly managing relationships, emotions, and expectations.
In therapy, we focus less on trying to get rid of anxiety and more on understanding what it’s doing for you.
That includes:
Understanding how your nervous system learned to protect connection
Recognizing anxiety as an adaptation, not a defect
Building internal boundaries as a skill, not a mindset
This kind of work doesn’t ask you to care less or toughen up. It helps your system learn that you can stay connected without constantly monitoring yourself.
Over time, many clients notice that:
They replay conversations less
They feel more at ease in relationships
Resentment softens
They show up more as themselves
You’re Not Too Sensitive. You’re Worn Out.
If relationships leave you feeling anxious, drained, or unsure of yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
It usually means your nervous system has been working very hard for a very long time.
There is another way to live in relationships, one that doesn’t require constant vigilance or self-editing. You can learn to feel safer inside yourself, even when things feel imperfect on the outside.
If you want to go deeper into how anxiety, boundaries, and the nervous system are connected, you can read more in my article, Anxiety, Boundaries, and Why You Feel So Exhausted in Relationships.
And when you’re ready, anxiety therapy can help you move through relationships with more ease, clarity, and self-trust.
